What is Reparenting and How to Begin

Our childhood is where the subconscious mind is formed.

It’s also where we learn how we process emotions, what relationships look like, how to hold boundaries, and countless other habits and behaviours.

Ideally, our parents are two different people brought up in different situations who allow their children to be seen and heard as the unique individual they are. The reality is that we live in a culture that does not teach conscious awareness, so most of us are born to unconscious parents.

Unconscious parents are repeating the same habits and patterns they’ve learned. They’re operating from a wounded space because of their own unprocessed emotions.

It’s important to understand that parents can only parent from their own level of awareness.

We can only give others what we have practiced giving ourselves.

Some of you reading this might be thinking “My childhood is over, there’s no reason to go back there.” Or “If my childhood is where I learned most of my coping mechanisms, I’m screwed.”

We tend to be protective and defensive around our childhood experience, but the truth is we have a unique opportunity to heal and consciously choose different behaviour as adults. Regardless of what we have experienced in our past.

This process is called reparenting.

Reparenting is the act of giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child.

Now, it is time for us to do the best we could with our own evolved level of awareness.

Reparenting is our personal responsibility. Anyone can begin the process of reparenting themselves. It takes time, commitment, and patience. There is no quick fix. It will require you to show up every day. But it will allow you to heal and forgive.

The 4 Pillars of reparenting are:

Discipline, Joy, Emotional Regulation, and Self-care.

Depending on your unique childhood experience, some of these will be more difficult than others. Discipline was the most difficult part when there are unspoken and unresolved tantrums. For example, there was no part of you that wanted to wake up early, or really do anything “planned.” It was a process of grieving for past self as well as self-compassion to allow you to view discipline in another way.

Another major struggle for one would be finding joy. Joy is an emotional experience. It’s the product of spontaneity, play, creativity, and pure presence. Part of discovering joy is learning your own unique passions and interests. This is something I had to spend time connecting to. I had to relearn “me.”

Emotional regulation will take lots of effort when you do parent your kids along with reparenting yourselves. With days and months and years of effort you can achieve it and with consistency it can be carried forward in the life journey.

Self-care starts with loving and accepting ourselves in everything we do and whatever we do. When there is a feel of oneness within oneself this can be felt magical.

Reparenting will bring us so much more confidence, empathy, and creative energy.

Here are 5 Steps to Begin:

1. Breathe consciously:

It’s easy to become overwhelmed. Reparenting is a process. It’s not something that happens overnight. It’s not something that happens over a couple of months. If you try to do too much of this work at once, you’ll become overwhelmed and fall back into old patterns. Follow the steps, do not try to do too much at once.

2. Keep one small promise to your yourself every day:

This step should be so small that it’s seemingly insignificant. You need to choose something that sets you into a situation where you’ll succeed. Some good examples are: meditate for 2 minutes, go for a 5-minute walk around the block each morning, cook one meal at home every day, future self-journal each night before bed. Time is important here: do not choose any promise that takes more than 10 minutes in total.

3. Tell someone you trust (other than your parents) that you’re beginning the process:

do not share that you’re doing this with your parents. It’s not necessary, and can be hurtful to them. Remember, they did the best they could with their level of awareness and will likely become defensive if you talk about this. Reparenting is for you. If you have a partner or a close friend, let them know you’re working on this. Support will be helpful.

4. Use this Mantra:

“What can I give myself right now?” This is a mantra I use often. As children, we weren’t always given what we needed. As adults we have an opportunity to give what we need to ourselves. When you feel yourself having strong emotions, ask this question. Sometimes the answer for me is to disconnect with social media, or a need to get into the sun for 15 minutes. It’s ok if when you begin asking this question you feel confused or like there is no answer. Just continue asking. It’s a practice of connecting with intuition. If you stay committed, you’ll begin to get answers.

5. Celebrate when you show up:

if we were not recognized, celebrated, and seen for the unique individual of who we are, we will quickly disregard the reality that we are showing up. Reparenting is difficult. Its soul work. Acknowledge the courage it takes. Own your progress. Celebrate the person you’re becoming.

In the journey of reparenting I am happy that I am becoming a different person and I am happy that I discovered it in the process of parenting. Thanks to my wonderful kid for giving me such a golden opportunity of being a parent.